Stick Close

All seasons have something to offer.
-Walls

Just a quick note as we move forward…

I wish I could be writing to you, almost 2 years after I penned all of the words that came before this post, telling you that I had it all figured out. That life has been incredibly perfect and the awareness that I’ve received via bad decisions, accompanied by incredible grace, has been more than enough to pave the road forward with minimal potholes.
That would be ideal. Unfortunately, that would be a lie.

Not that things are bad, not by any means.
If I took inventory of life right now, I could only say that I’m incredibly blessed. Stable jobs, a beautiful daughter who is graduating Kindergarten tomorrow morning, a pool in the backyard with the Tiger’s games always on the radio…
Things are good.

I am, however, acutely aware that even though things look really good right now (other than the Tiger’s sitting at .500), there is still a battle going on for my heart. God is still on a rescue mission to redeem and restore His child. More than anything, as I move forward in life, I know I have to stick close to my Dad. In the lowest moments, those ones where I have to pull myself out of the rut I’ve somehow managed to get myself back into, I’ve taken a step back and realized that I’ve fallen because I haven’t stuck close to Abba Father and the tools that He’s put in my life to stay on track.

Follow this memory for a moment…
When I was in grade five, I remember my parents took me to see Carman and, at the time, a lesser-known group named DCTalk at the Silverdome in Michigan. For an 11 year old, this place was huge and was packed with sheltered Christian families who actually believed Carman was actually a good musician… (yeah, I went there.)
In between the two acts, I went to get refreshments with my dad and amongst the crowds of people we became separated.  Now, I’m not too how long I was ‘lost’ but I can vividly remember the fear, the tears and how long it took me to calm down after my dad found me and brought me back to out seats.

This memory reminds me exactly how I feel when I leave God behind and start making decisions on my own. I become like a child again, lost and confused and wondering if its all going to be okay in the end. Call it maturity, perspective or call it time, I now know that no matter how far off the grid we go, God will never be too far off to bring us back into His plans. Sure, it might take time and it might come with consequences but all of His plans are saturated with His love for us. There have been moments where I’ve asked, “God, why do I still feel this way about…” or “ why hasn’t this panned out how we thought it would…” I think I have that part of God figured out though. He’s not about to release us to our next season until He’s captured our hearts in such a way that when we move forward, we won’t be taken out! Like a Father, running through the halls frantically looking for his lost child, God is on task to make sure that His children are safe and exactly where they should be in His care.

That being said, I still don’t have it all together.
My head spins.
My heart sinks.
My hope wanes.

In this new season of life, though there’s still a battle for my heart and though I still have moments where I find myself feeling low, there’s a big difference. I know that I have all I need in Christ to live a victorious life as His kid. I know that He will never stop perusing and rescuing and restoring all which the enemy made me believe he’d stolen.  (Philippian’s 4:19/1Peter 1:3)

I encourage you to keep moving forward and keep yourself surrounded with those who will encourage and fight the good fight along side you. I declare you’re not alone and that God has given you an arsenal at your disposal to make sure you have all you need to live a full and authentic life in Him!

Not sure if that helps at all, but it’s a good reminder for me…

 

It Will Dad...

Write out of love. Your piece will finish itself
-Posey

So this will be the final entry in the writings I'd put together over a few years back. Thanks to those who have followed along, sent messages to me and my family and believed that His grace is truly enough not only to cover our worst moments, but enough to launch us into awareness that we are made for more! Your love and support, even if we don't know you directly, has been truly amazing.

That being said, I have two things I want to leave you with really quickly. (How many times have you heard that at the end of a sermon? 45 minuets later…)

First, home means something completely different to me nowadays. Understand that I’ve written this book over the course of a little more than two years, most thoughts being jotted down on my iPhone as I would be on a run. I’ve earlier described the city I lived in as a place that I was glad to be FROM; a place I wasn’t happy to return to. Hindsight is a beautiful thing, don’t you agree? Over these years God has changed my heart for this city. I see it in a way I once didn’t. I see its beauty and its uniqueness. Most of all, I see people differently. I believe there is a special need for the church to not demolish its old ways and its old guard but to renovate the way in which it reaches and helps it’s people. I’m dreaming of what that could look like and how my family and I could be apart of that in the days to come. My heart was hard in the beginning and I was still figuring out what these changes in my life would all mean for my future. I think when we harden our hearts to a place or a time in our lives, we might miss out on what God is trying to speak to us. It just might be that the places you once tried so hard to run from may be the placed that need you the most. So I ask you to pray for your city. Even if you sometimes ask, ‘can anything good come from…’

Second, Zoey came into my room the other day while I was on the bed writing. We’ve had this understanding while I would be working on this project that the second she asked me to come play, I would put down my computer and focus on her. It was never a hard battle; the fact that I have raging A.D.D. coupled with a chance to wrestle or playing with Zoey and her toys is always wins. One day she came into my room and I asked her, “did you want me to come play?” She shook her head. She then asked me, “daddy, why do you write so much?” (Even as I write this, my eyes begin to fill.) I told her that I write because it helps daddy. That it helps daddy heal from the things he’s done wrong in the past and reminds me that the future is very important to us. I told her I write because in time I hope my words would help others. She looked at me and, with the most innocent and sincere heart said, “It will daddy.”

If you are stranded in sin or lost in the cycle of repetitive destructive decisions that know that there is a joy set before you that can renew every little thing about you that you once thought irredeemable. I’d love to hear your stories. I’d love to hear about your pain turned to joyfulness. Whether the issue was big or small. Whether everyone knows about it or no one knows. I believe that the first step to freedom is fully surrendering every part of ourselves to God and then, after the healing and mending has taken place, your story can bring others from where you once were to the freedom in which you now live.

I’d love for you to connect with me on Facebook or Instagram or you could even hit me with a message in the contact section. Thanks again for following along. I'm sure more thoughts will fill my head soon enough, so keep checking back.

 

Keep learning.

Keep journeying.

Keep returning to His heart.

Welcome Home.

Forward Moves Only

The lesson will always repeat itself, unless you see yourself as the problem--not others.
-Alder

This is the point of the story where I wanted to tell you to get on your iPhone, click iTunes and turn up L.L. Cool J’s Mamma Said Knock You Out.

“Don’t call it a comeback, I’ve been here for years…”

There have been moments through this journey and I’m sure through the days that will follow where I’ve failed miserably. There are moments where my flesh still wants to throw shade at those who ignorantly gossiped about my family and my situation over this past season. Everything in me wants to post a big ‘I told you so’ on social media accounts to show people how wrong they were about me. I have no doubt that the old me would have done exactly that. I would have spiritually justified my actions in response that ‘haters are my elevators’ and I was simply rejoicing in what ‘God’ has done. It’s crazy how fast pride can sneak into one’s thought process. I was so full of pride. So full of selfish desires and schemes to get to the top of the tops and as I look back am truly ashamed of how my sin complied as the years progressed.

Thankfully, my desires and my longings have shifted in the light of how truly gracious God has been to me even though I don’t deserve it. I no longer have any aspirations to prove anything to anyone other than to my wife and my little girl that I, with guidance of the Holy Spirit, can be the best husband and father I can be. I’ve had something in the back of my mind that says wouldn’t it be something to show people that the guy who was once at the top of his game is back in action; back doing all the amazing things that he used to do! I’m thrilled to say that only a shadow of that man exists. I still have no platform to stand upon. No bright lights in my face, no one re-tweeting all of my 140 character pontifications. For the most part, outside of the passions that God never lets completely die off, I’m finally okay with where I’m at, because I’m 100% home.

I watched an interview where former Mars Hill Pastor Mark Discoll sit down alongside his wife while Pastor Brian Houston of Hillsong Sydney brought some questions to the table about their former ministry and life in Seattle.  Both Andy and I watched and were blown away by what we saw. The thing that stood out the most was the gracious manner in which Brian conducted the interview. He asked some tough questions and made no apologies for holding Mark accountable for some of the things he’d said and done in the past all the while doing so with such compassion and empathy.  Also, I was impressed by Mark Driscoll’s countenance. I had only seen Mark preach live once at a Men’s Conference in the Toronto area just before all of his issues came to a head and the only thing I clearly remember from his message that day was the moment where he started yelling at the crowd, “You are all sons of the devil!” That being said, I wasn’t particularly into the way in which the message was brought forth.  The Mark I watched in the hour interview was a different man. Humbled. Caring. Calm. The quote that hit me like a slap in the face was when he stated, “I’m not here to win…” He was referencing the state of the emotions he could have conveyed in the interview and as I believe, on a larger scale, his life.  I have the link to the interview saved in my bookmarks and have told Andy to remind me to go back to it from time to time as a reminder. Do I believe all the theological nuances or communication styling in which Driscoll brings to the table? No. But I do champion him. As Brian prays at the end of the interview, I echo, that it is because of the humility that Mark now is walking in, his best days are ahead of him.

I was left hopeful for my family and I after watching this interview. My expectation is that our stories will change lives and bring healing to those who are in need of a release from their chains and I believe the same can be true for you. I know that there are only two things that will be the wind in our sails as we move forward; a deep love for one another and submission to our Good Father. We maybe not have it all figured out and I know that the wind and the waves are still going to happen. Its in moving forward that our eyes are now set on the One who will keep us, as He called us, for better or for worse, as we journey the rest of our lives together.

My heart is satisfied in what I’ve learned through this difficult season of life. Its only by God’s grace and the grace of those who’ve invested in this journey that I can say, even with my limp, that I’ve come out a stronger, better man on the other side. I am no longer the man I was on the stage or the man I was in the dark places. I am restored. I am new.

As for what’s next? One thing is for sure; the Riach’s have hopes and dreams for the future. Sure, we’ve had some phone calls from friends and ministry acquaintances in the past that have inquired about where we are at and how we’d like to move forward, but ultimately we know that His ways and thoughts are higher than ours, so we’ve just decided its best to stay in sync with the Spirit and continue on in the journey with our heads held high and our faith stronger than ever.

 

Isaiah 30:21
Your own ears will hear him. Right behind you a voice will say, “This is the way you should go, ”whether to the right or to the left.

 

More than anything, after all these words written and thoughts poured out, I’m left with a sense that nothing is impossible for our God. He can reach into your deepest doubts, fears and hidden aspirations and turn them around for the glory of His Kingdom. He is a God of redemption and restoration and calls you out of the chaos you’re in, even now. So I urge you, stop wasting time. Stop hiding from or performing for people just as an escape from the true pain that you may be dealing with daily. It’s time for genuineness and vulnerability to win over that which you mask. Today is the day of freedom and salvation and, even though it may hurt for a while, he’s molding you towards authenticity and, I promise you, there is nothing better.

 It’s in that place I say, Welcome Home.

Rest is Needed

There is revival after rest...
-Akita

 

One of the most satisfying feelings a man can have after a long day at work is to come home, put on a pair of basketball shorts and sit on his butt for a for a few minuets. THAT, my friends, is rest! Even if you don’t have that special pair of shorts that are waiting for you when you get home, I believe the ideas of rest and home should look like ought be synonymous. Yes, we can't overlook the tedious tasks like laundry and preparing meals and making our beds that comes with the package, but home should be a place where the ceaseless go-go-go of life can, at least, slow down for a moment if not a weekend. 

The same should be said of the place in our lives we abide with God. I find that my faith came easily be relegated to a schedule just the same as all of the other checks on the list if I’m not careful. If we are honest with ourselves, the moment we make time with God into something that needs to be crossed off the day’s list, its easy to become uninterested, missing days of communication with our Father at a time. The classic excuse? Oh… I’ve just been so busy. Don’t worry. You’re not alone.

 If we check out Luke 10:38-42 we read,
38 As Jesus and the disciples continued on their way to Jerusalem, they came to a certain village where a woman named Martha welcomed him into her home. 39 Her sister, Mary, sat at the Lord’s feet, listening to what he taught. 40 But Martha was distracted by the big dinner she was preparing. She came to Jesus and said, “Lord, doesn’t it seem unfair to you that my sister just sits here while I do all the work? Tell her to come and help me.”41 But the Lord said to her, “My dear Martha, you are worried and upset over all these details! 42 There is only one thing worth being concerned about. Mary has discovered it, and it will not be taken away from her.”

These few verses bring so much to the table for us to digest. The biggest take away for me is two fold. First, even with Jesus in our presence or, more simply put, for those who proclaim Christ to be the center of their life, it’s easy to get distracted with everything else that we face day to day. Resting in Him is a spiritual discipline that a lot of Christians don’t have in their lifestyles and its sorely needed. We read that Jesus is in Maratha’s home and she’s too worried about what’s in the oven than spending time with her God. It sounds all too familiar with Christians that I’ve talked to in passing years about the time they spend one-on-one with God. Granted, at first, it’s never the easiest thing to start a disciplined devotion and prayer life, those things do take time and effort. However, the payoff of those quiet moments with God is incalculable with the love and grace that He pours out over every aspect of the disorder that you set aside to be with Him.

Second, there is something to discover in the quiet times with God. Something personal, something significant that will feed your soul like nothing else can. Again, trying to put myself in the story, Jesus tells Martha, “Mary took the time, sat at my feet, and the things we’ve just discussed while you were banging your pots and pans around…” Martha’s attitude suggest that she thought her sister was just plain lazy. Know this, our understanding of rest, especially relating it to our relationship with Christ is never synonymous laziness. You see, Mary wasn’t lazy, she was smart. She took advantage of an opportunity to sit at the feet of Jesus when she could. While most of us are busy trying to work our way through lives, maybe even work our way through the storm, we need to cling to the simple truth and trust that we are called to rest at the feet of the one who can calm any wind and any wave.

Personally, I don’t ever want to miss another opportunity in life where I have the chance to sit at the feet of Jesus and rest, listen and learn. In past moments, even when I thought I was doing such things, I was busy, like Martha, performing for Him instead of what He really wanted from me, to be still in His presence.

 

Now that Zoey is in school full time, as parents Andy and I have really had to buckle down with bed time hours. We were so used to Zoey living her life within our schedule which equaled late bed times and in turn made a habit of letting her sleep in until she was good and ready to wake up, most times that being until around 9 or 10 in the morning. It was great until she needed her own schedule. Fighting the fact that that she needs rest at a certain time when she’s not ready is never the happiest of moments. There’s attitude, grumpiness and tears that come with the huffing and puffing comment, “but I’m not tired!” Five minuets later she in bed, out cold.

Try and apply the same understanding in the natural to that of the Spirit and you’ll get the same idea. Our

“I’m not tired” moments can turn into something very bad, very quickly. It’s when we don’t recognize our need for rest; our decision-making can become sloppy. When most of us are busy doing all we can to get ahead; when so many of us are doing our best to save face with those around us even thought we are tired and worn out, Jesus simply has a better way.

 Psalm 62:5
“Yes, my soul, find rest in God: my hope comes from him.”

 Psalm 116:7
“Return to your rest, my soul, for the Lord has been good to you.”

Sometimes its best that you take a step back and let God do something in His timing and watch how God will ultimately bring you to a better place.  Its in rest that the weariness of life fades and we find a place where simple trust and quiet releases supernatural strength for the journey ahead.

(to be continued...)

Home & Health

For the two of us, home isn't a place. It is a person. And we are finally home.
-Perkins

There’s nothing like a good birthday party. Especially if it’s a birthday party for a dude who works at a cigar/barber shop! Last year around this time, one of mine and Andy's best friends had his 40th birthday party. Roger is literally the one of the greatest guys we know. That’s not just lip service. He’s amazing! He’s a husband to a very loving woman, Leanne, a dad to three really sweet kids, one of the Greater Toronto Area’s best barbers (I joke with Roger that it all started with me ever so bravely letting him cut my hair in his on suite bathroom) and best of all, he’s real. Real in the terms that he knows he doesn’t have it all figured out, that even at what some would call the half way mark of life he still has a lot to learn and a lot to growing to do. I love that about him. Roger and Leanne have been the closest to our family through the darkest of moments throughout this journey. They’ve listened, they’ve prayed, they’ve prophesied and what has helped the most for me, they haven’t judged. All that being said, Roger’s 40th birthday party was held at his house in the town where we’d spent the previous season in our life doing ministry. My sister and brother in-law live a few miles down the highway in a community called Niagara-on-the-Lake. We’d spent time with them earlier in the day and then started our way back towards Roger’s. 

I painted a picture at the beginning of this blog about what Windsor, the city we live in at the moment, looks like. Factories, old abandoned buildings and other not so appealing structures scattered across the city. But our old town, where Roger and his family live, the place we were blessed to call home once, it is literally breath taking. It’s a town of around 25,000 people with beautiful Lake Ontario on one side and the Niagara Escarpment (think of a very steep mountain covered in trees) on the other. Getting to the point of my ramblings, I remember driving down the road that’s parallel the to escarpment looking at the beautiful houses, the trees, remembering the hikes to the waterfall and I started tearing up. I turned to Andy and said something to the tune of “I’m sorry I’ve taken all of this away from us. This town is beautiful; it’s something really special.” Andy didn’t miss a beat. She turned to me and said, ‘this town is nice. But home isn’t a place. Home is you being healthy and sharing that health with the people who matter most.’ Cliché(ish)? Maybe. But it was the sincerity in her voice and her authentic heart that shifted something in me that day and has set my heart in a good place ever since in terms of what home means to me.

‘Healthy’ I think was the word that stuck out. The thought of being healthy, not perfect but healthy, is something that keeps me level and focused and aware of certain boundaries I should have in place while at the same time, is something that will reflect in the lives of those I’m surrounded by. My wife, my daughter, my close friends, they are affected one way or another by the state of my health. Going a bit deeper, I know that my health can’t be relegated to some checklist. As long as I make sure that I have A, B and C covered, I should be ok. When it comes down to it, I have to ask myself in terms of the classic Hymn, ‘is it well with my soul?’ Am I healthy in my soul? Am I doing the things that I need to do to live in contentment with who I am as a child of God? I believe if the contentment I find in life is largely if not should be solely based on not who I am but rather whose I am. When I see myself as God sees me, when I become ok with my faults and flaws, that’s when I can find myself the healthiest and the happiest. I’d be lying if I said that my mentality 100% of the time. Especially in the last season there have been days where I wanted to throw in the towel and give up on all of the things that in moments seemed so intangible in the hard moments. I know now that when we stay focused even in that valley season, that place that we feel the most dry and damaged and helpless, that’s the place where God restores and replenishes and brings the type of health that you’ve been longing for all the long.   

 

Think of the Prodigal Son. Feel free to call him Drew or whatever name feels best suited for your situation. This story Jesus tells in Luke 15 has dramatically changed my perception of my worth verses my works. We all know the story, a young man wants to make it on his own, boldly asks for his inheritance before his time, wastes it on woman and booze and then finds himself dining with the pigs. He chooses to return home (see what I did there) and ask his father if he could be a servant in the house.

This may be my favorite verse in the entire Bible! Luke 15:20 reads:
So he returned home to his father. And while he was still a long way off, his father saw him coming. Filled with love and compassion, he ran to his son, embraced him, and kissed him.

This father was so stoked for his son to be home that he ugly cried in joy all over his son’s neck! He could hardly hold himself together. Father’s initial position wasn’t one of disappointment; he didn’t lace into his son about the money that he squandered. No, he was worried about his son’s health and his safety like a good Father should.

Luke 15 is a picture of Home that God wants to get into your head. Like the prodigal son, so many of us have experienced His goodness in the past but have left his heart. When the time came that we realized we’re much better off in His home, instead of running to Him as fast as we can, we spend time trying to think of ways to make it up to Him before we actually take steps towards Him. No apology, no promise, no speech you can pen will sway God’s heart. He’s already made up his mind on where you belong!

And so, God is waiting for you to return home. He’s waiting for you to return to the care and salvation that you once, or maybe have yet to, experience. He cares about you returning to the place that He intended for you to be, in His care, in his embrace. This has nothing to do with righting your wrongs, there is a time and process for that, but the best place to start is in surrender. This is the eternal truth of this particular parable and of God’s love that wrecks me every time I stop and think on it. God has and continues to prepare a place for you even when you’re off gallivanting and squandering the life and the promises He has given to you. Luke 15: __ says, “Even when the son was a long ways off…” Father wasn’t busy with business or tending to other things. He was waiting.

When you knew what you were up to was wrong and you were far away from the plans God had for you, He waited. When you refused to give up that which was blocking your destiny, He waited. When all the balls you were juggling began to fall, He waited. When you were; even if you still are a long way off, Father waits on the road for you to return home.

(to be continued...)

Fear Not

A man that flies from his fear may find that he has only taken a short cut to meet it.
-Tolkien

Is it just me, or is it ingrained in guys somewhere down the line that it’s not ok to worry or be scared? Men are supposed to be brave. Men are supposed to be able to tackle anything that would oppose the choices they make, good or bad. Real men don’t let anyone push them around! Heck, the only thing that I used to ever admit to being scared of is a clown (But seriously, they’re terrifying, are they not?) I know that with the insecurities and issues that I’ve faced, it’s ok to be sacred sometimes.

Please don’t get caught up in the spiritual rhetoric of “fear-not.” Being scared is a real and understandable emotion. You’re faith hasn’t disappeared nor are you a bad Christian in the moments when you’re worried and scared. However, its what you do with that feeling and the truth of what those feelings are tied to that will lead you in the right direction.

Psalm 53:6
“WHEN I’m afraid, I put my trust in you.”

Psalm 34:4
“I sought the Lord, and he answered me and delivered me from all my fears.”

Lamentations 3:57
“You came near when I called on you; you said, ‘Do not fear!’

These are just a few verses where we can read a real emotion and also a real answer. It’s when we are afraid that we can put our trust in and cling to the promises of our unfailing God. We know the verse, right? That God hasn’t given us a Spirit of fear (2 Tim. 1:7) and yet, the enemy’s main currency is fear itself. The devil’s job is to take our lowest moments and try to constantly remind us through our circumstances that we are hopeless, that what we’ve done is completely irredeemable; that we are unworthy to move towards something better.

My biggest fear throughout my whole life was that of men in the sense of disappointing or falling short of expectations. My biggest fear in my sin: “what will they think if they find out?” My biggest fear as I am continuing (this doesn’t end) to be restored to my family and friends: “what do they think?” My fear, which God is so much bigger than, says people will know and judge me by my mistakes, both true and assumed by others.

Both of those questions have an answer that is found in Proverbs 29:25 - Fearing people is a dangerous trap, but trusting the lord means safety.

It was in my sin where I was caught up in fearing what people would think of me. It caused me to amp up the performance of my profession as well as the performance in almost all of my relationships, causing everything to be unauthentic. I thought, as long as I seem like I’m slaying this whole ‘pastoring’ gig, people will NEVER suspect that I’m a complete disaster on the inside. I know realize how silly that stream of thought really is because you can’t hold that kind of stuff in. It leaks.

I remember hearing in a meeting once that we should never have the attitude of “I don’t care what they think of me” or “their opinion of me doesn’t matter.” What was being taught, as I saw it, wasn’t the fact that we are supposed to be liked or befriended by all those we meet, rather, the integrity we walk in as Christians should be something that is obvious to those around us.

Proverbs 21:1 says, “A good name is to be chosen rather than great riches, and favor is better than silver or gold. Having a good reputation is actually a valuable thing to have.”

I believe this to be very true, however, I see the detriment that comes when life choices are made when you couple them with fear. We should steer clear of making decisions, even ones that seem like the right ones, based on what others will say. I know the worth of a good name and choose to now humbly work towards regaining that as time passes, but its God’s opinion of us that we ultimately need to look to. He has an opinion about the steps that you take. He actually cares to lead me down the path He’s chosen for you and it’s that soundness of mind that will take place in the decision making when we bring Him into the discussion. In the end, I believe God is only one who holds your integrity. God is bigger than the haters, He bigger than gossip, He’s bigger than Google. Follow Him and no matter what has happened in the past, you can rest assured that your future is being written by the best author around! As you begin to work on yourself, not striving for perfection but sticking close to the perfect One, together you'll begin to write the best chapters of your life!

My hope is that in my lifetime, I will be able to help/encounter others who are able to see the significance of walking in the reality of who they are. That’s not to say that they are the sum of their mistakes, nor that of their accomplishments, rather, the openness of being on their journey as a once broken, now redeemed child of God. Isn’t it strange that people would rather stay in their sin than allow others to know what’s really going on in their lives? The pain of exposure seemingly too great for them to end what is ultimately dragging down their existence day after day. A real relationship with Christ should bring us to a place where we are aware of whom we were in the past and expectant of the realities of what are coming because of a relationship of redemption through Him! People who can say, ‘think what you’d like about who I used to be, I know who I am now as I submit my fears to my Father.’

So, fear not. Not because fear won’t be a reality but because your faith is growing stronger every moment you choose to believe that Christ is in your corner. With Him, I promise there is nothing you won’t be able to overcome! 

(to be continued...)

Losing Eden

“Eden is a factory and human was a reject.
We are being recalled in order to be fixed.”
-Beta

I know that for me, the fear of losing my own Eden was a big factor in why I hid. I knew that I had something very special in my vocation and position and found the real struggle in the place between my need to share my brokenness and the perception my platform held; Pastors aren't the ones with problems. In my profession as a pastor, I knew that as I began to loose control of my relationships, I would in turn loose everything else.

In his book “Samson and the Pirate Monks,” Nate Larkin, as I read it, hit the nail on the head in describing how he felt as a pastor:
“… life as a pastor was isolating and intoxicating. I was now a professional holy man, the man with the answers, and the expert on all things spiritual… My authority was absolute, but it was based on the perception that I was the guy in the church who really had his act together. I was the “man of integrity” and it was essential for everyone’s sake that I protect that perception at all costs.”

This passage, and particularly Larkin’s whole book, has been seared into my thoughts these past years. “Isolating and intoxication” speaks to the fear that gripped me for so long. I felt like there was no outlet for me to express the spiraling emotions that I felt everyday. The juggling I would engage in almost every single day between husband, pastor, friend, and adulterer. I was so incredibly alone and terrified of what I was becoming while at the same time totally drawn to the approval and mechanics of building something incredibly life changing for those around me. 

Its like I was playing my own little game in Eden. I was Adam. I was drawn to and ate the fruit and as my eyes opened up more and more every bite I took, I thought it best to just hide from the issues; scared of what God and at most times people, would think of me.

So what am I getting at?

I believe that to be naked in front of God and to be vulnerable with others in our human state begins with true repentance. Unfortunately, repentance has taken form of something heavy and punishment-based in today’s culture. It comes with the weight of shame, guilt and fear; all things that true repentance are actually supposed to dismantle. Sure, repentance or exposure of sin may be a scary thing in the moment, but the freedom that comes in the wake of your openness with Christ is immeasurable. It’s in the surrendering to God and the exposure of faults that we finally find what true freedom actually is. Again, this part sucks. It’s not fun. Its incredibly scary and it hurts more than most things you could ever experience. I know that the things that I’ve heard people say about me, what they ‘think’ they know about who I am, what I’ve done or who I am today, it has been brutal at times. However, its the freedom that comes in facing the fear of man and putting your hope in God and His word; that is something that trumps anything that you felt going through it. Step out of fear and step into forgiveness!

One of the biggest regrets I have about my past is that I wasn’t able to be man enough (which in itself is a misplaced turn of phrase) to have a conversation with my wife that was open and honest about the issues I was facing. I’m even talking about the ‘small’ stuff that preceded the bigger issues. I always thought that I would be protecting her. As it turns out I was only trying to protect myself as I hide all of the things that wasn’t ‘normal’ for a good Christian man. Out of fear, I ran the risk of my wife not finding out at all or finding out through the worst way possible, through complete implosion of life. I’m convinced that when you keep secrets (and most are kept out of fear) they will only come back to haunt you. There’s a better way! Honesty dismantles fear like nothing else and it’s also the exact thing that Jesus calls us to. So where did we get it messed up along the way? Performance based Christianity says keep on smiling, keep on striving, keep on climbing that ladder to heaven without slipping a few rungs. I’m so thankful that my Jesus doesn’t ask for perfection (we can converse on Matthew 5:48 if you disagree with my thought process here), He asks for honesty and in that I am no longer a scared boy hoping not to be punished but a child of God who has been graced to fail and rise again every time with the backing of his Father.

(to be continued...)

Naked Truth

,,,to make yourself vulnerable is to show your strength.
-Jami

Have you heard the trick for getting over your fears of public speaking? Right! Picture everyone in his or her underwear and you’ll be good to go (obviously this strategy is not endorsed in 99.99% of Bible Colleges nor am I endorsing it). I’m not about to build a theology on this one, but there’s something about being fully exposed that makes the majority of us extremely uncomfortable.  For example, think about the months leading up to summertime.

Summer = bathing suits.
Bathing suits = remembering how your new years resolution about gym time lasted all but two weeks.

Somewhat joking of course, but I’m sure you’ve felt that way or have been in a conversation with someone who is dreading beach season. To keep the discussion on point, it’s a sad realization that transparency or ‘nakedness’ of self is something that’s just as scary for us in today’s society where its easier to hide our faces in our phones than have a simple conversation with a friend. I remember reading a tweet from an influential pastor after he moved to a new metropolis that indicated one of the main issues he saw was that everyone was attached to their phones; nobody looks up anymore. Nobody looks anyone in eye.  Almost to say that technology has given us an out for authenticity. Now, I’m not saying that we should just be open books and share anything and everything with entire world. While on the other side other pendulum, I’m not suggesting we take everything we read on twitter or see on Instagram 100% authentic either. I guess what I’m trying to get at is the issue of hiding the things in our lives that, if exposed, would bring a shift to the way in which we are view or how we live.

Remember my friend Tom that I talked about earlier? My 74-year-old friend? Well, I know for me one of most freeing thoughts I’ve clung to over this past season of my life came straight from his mouth. In one of our meetings, usually over chicken wings at Buffalo Wild Wing, cause that’s what real meetings should look like, Tom said to me, “wouldn’t it be amazing to get to a place in life where you can place all your cards on the table and not be worried about what people have to think. To live in a place where you can say to people, ‘Ask me anything. What do you want to know?’” That idea has stuck with me since the words left his mouth and the idea has started forming habits that are bringing me to that vulnerable state that says ‘I have nothing more to hide.’  Ask me about my past. Ask me about who I am and what I’ve done or hope to accomplish. Fear of exposure no longer hinders my freedom because I’ve been exposed. Whether the "what" got twisted along the way or not, I no longer have nothing to hide nor have nothing to fear because I walk in the truth that found me in my lowest point. 

Think of Adam and Eve. They had it all and yet were still drawn to the one thing that they were told they couldn’t have. It’s the best example I can think of when it comes to our human nature. They lived and breathed and communed with complete perfection and yet it still wasn’t enough. The complexity between love and curiosity is something that I believe we all have struggled with on one level or another. Like Adam and Eve, we are capable of committing hurtful immoralities in order to have what we find appealing or attractive at a moment in time.  Only when they attain what they once were curious about (with obvious and required boundary already set in place), do they find that not only was the grass not greener on the other side, but it was nothing compared to what was already theirs in the promise that God gave them.

Genesis 1:7-11
At that moment their eyes were opened, and they suddenly felt shame at their nakedness. So they sewed fig leaves together to cover themselves. When the cool evening breezes were blowing, the man and his wife heard the lord God walking about in the garden. So they hid from the lord God among the trees. Then the lord God called to the man, “Where are you?” He replied, “I heard you walking in the garden, so I hid. I was afraid because I was naked.” “Who told you that you were naked?” the lord God asked.

Now I’m not sure how you read that but it absolutely wrecks me and makes me thankful for the finishing work on the cross. Without it I’d be left feeling like Adam, aware of my nakedness and not quite sure how to deal with the shame that comes with walking outside of God’s plan. The cross has covered my shame and His finishing work has done the same for you!

Seeing that God is all knowing and the question seems a little silly for Him to be asking, the ‘where are you’ portion of this scripture is very interesting to me.  I’ve heard it said that this question obliviously wasn’t about physical location but rather the issue at hand, the heart.  “Where is your heart Adam?” “Why do you feel the need to hide from Me?” Its interesting to me that the same issues Adam faced in the very beginning are the exact same issues most people face today when they mess up or are afraid of their mistakes being found out. We hide. We will do everything possible that we can so that our nakedness isn’t found out! Still, God is walking with us in our garden, in our lives and, in my paraphrasing, tells us, “Stop hiding. It’s ok that you’re naked (vulnerable). I know what you’ve done. I know that you’re scared. I know every part of you and still want to walk with you.” Grace wants nothing more than to remind us of the home He’s made for us. Sure, you might have gone off and done something you know was wrong but God’s love wait for us to embrace his love over fear that speaks rejection into our hearts.

(to be continued...)